San Jeronimo, Costa Rica
I’m officially unemployed.
I’m listening to The Dust Brother’s Fight Club soundtrack. I’m lethargic. I really should be deep in FTOPs, but alas, no dice. I’m feeling worn out from the last few days. There’s been so much coming at me since this whole Prohibition thing started. I’ve had so many business ideas, phone calls, and mostly problems. My horses are all fired, moving money to kids I work with is gone, and FTOPS is gone.
That was so tilting, driving home at 7:00 AM from the beach to play FTOPs, getting in, signing in, and finding out US residents, even with a Costa Rican ISP, can’t play on Full Tilt anymore.
Multi-entry FTOPs with Euro guys and Brazilians. I was so excited to play.
I just learned excited here in Spanish always means something sexual, so I feel weird using that word now.
I tried to go to the beach for a couple days to relax, but that only semi-worked. I left my computer at home, because I was sick of that kind of communication, only to find out I was terrible at human-to-human communication as well. I don’t know what I’m doing man. I always find ways to piss off people.
A large part of it is my fault. I got taught some bad habits. I’ve also been on edge with all this happening. I still have a lot of money stuck, and people are saying to me, “we’re not sure how we’re going to get this to you.”
I get tired of when people think I’m some lucky as hell. Yeah, financially I’ve done very well, but ugh, I am retarded when it comes to working with people. Making sense of it is like reviewing nothing. Making money is easy to me. It’s just about putting in the hours and varying your bets. With people, I just sit there going, “Why did that happen?” and not really having a great answer. I’m dumb about how I treat people, and how I should expect to be treated.
Yet I’m understanding I constantly think someone’s trying to fuck with me, and if I just took a moment to hear people out things would work out. Instead I just get irate.
I’ve been busting my ass for so long, it’s weird not to have work to go to. Whenever I feel socially unfit I just play cards. It’s easy. Bet nothing when the expectation is low and make larger bets the more assured you are of positive expectation. Trying to decipher how the people around me are trying to talk to me…man, I suck.
The beach was fun however. Faraz Jaka came out with me, and we ran into Antonio Esfandiari of all people. It was real good times with good people.
My girlfriend, Jaka, and I all played UNO at one point. I thought it would be a fun experiment, to see how many strategy considerations I could cook up. I also thought it would be a good exercise to get me thinking critically about a different set of problems. I held onto certain cards because they could reverse high-variance plays pushed against me, and I counted the numbers as best as I could to remember what number to put down when I didn’t want the color to change. I tried to memorize what cards players couldn’t play with. You can even figure out what color they have plenty of by the speed of how fast they put a card down.
The problem was my girlfriend hates losing and is pretty bright, and Jaka’s pretty damn good at anything with cards obviously. You end up just screwing everyone over when everyone is playing tactically correct. You never give anyone an easy card, so everyone’s drawing all the time. Halfway through everyone had 50 cards. We played for three hours and didn’t get anywhere near finishing.
At one point the family we’re friends with in the area drove us out to see a river in the rainforest. Swimming at the base of a waterfall in crystal clear water really helped me decompress. And avoid thoughts like…
I really should have hit the withdrawal button a week ago on that six figures like I originally planned to.
It’s sick to listen to Eminem’s “Music Box”. It’s like getting the second Relapse album I was promised. I liked him when he was flushing out drugs.
Full Tilt is saying they can’t account for how much was seized by the government, and we’ll need to wait while they work with the DOJ. Obviously I understand that that could be an issue but how is Pokerstars paying out? Why was Full Tilt banking my money in a country that had proved hostile to them before? I mean, what they practice isn’t even legal there. Maybe there’s something I don’t understand, but I have a large amount on Tilt, and this is pissing me off.
I likely will get my money. I guess I’m just scared at the prospect of starting over again. I had to do it a year back when I went bust backing, and it took a year of hard work, putting in 60 hour weeks, and breathing this game 24/7 to get back to a really respectable number. Now I’m worried about having to do it again.
The other night I went out to one of those views you just have to drink in front of, the one with all the city lights I tried to get a picture of for this blog. I kicked an empty bottle of rum around, letting the enormity of the city under me to provide its jaggedly lit comfort.
The streetlights in San Jose are different than the states. They don’t line up perfectly. They’re dark orange as opposed to light yellow or medium orange. They’re all different heights. You can see them lighting up streets that are crowded during the day. No one crosses the cracked concrete at night.
I’m scared of starting over again, but I’m not going to let that phase me. I have money in some European sites, and some absurdly weird networks for an American to be on. I’ve been told cash outs will eventually happen on Stars, so that’ll help cash flow. I can do lessons. I have offers for some business ideas that have sprung up in light of this. God, it’s just that gleaming big number that’s in limbo that’s scaring me. But I should be thankful. There’s a lot of stateside grinders who’ve lost everything.
It’s ridiculous that I can spend all day working still even though so much of my money is frozen and I can’t play tournaments anymore.
I just need to see this as an opportunity. You know, for a moment I was glad I couldn’t play. It gives me an excuse to get sorted out here and refocus. I’m starting to work with a new person whose helping me running some side business. I’m going to work out every day up until the WSOP, since I’ve gained 20 lbs since the start of the year. I can write recreationally. I can read much more. I can work on new business ideas. I’m going to pull this one out like I always do.
Maybe I’ll just relax a little.
