I read the news today. Oh, boy. Here are some actual Florida headlines….
Friend rolls car into retiree having his morning coffee on bench.
Golfer recuperating from gator attack.
Woman arrested after kids cut, burned. (“…she told a group of children the ritual would help fight off evil spirits.”)
Zimmerman at safe house. (Does anybody else find that ironic?)
Boat full of marijuana washes up on beach.
Husband is called a ‘monster.’
The Republican Party of Sarasota County has named Donald Trump its “Statesman of the Year.”
Teen Guilty In Burning Of Classmate.
Judge: Man Won’t Get Back Most of 691 Cats. (Florida is nothing, if not tough on crime.)
World’s Fastest Man Suffers No Injuries in Car Crash. (For some reason, I am not surprised.)
135 Documented Sinkholes in 51 Locations. (That’s just locally.)
Told To Leave, A Stranger Instead Takes A Shower.
Man Shot As He Ate Face of Another. (He got shot and kept on eating.)
Granted this is not a headline, but it merits attention.
Local lady, age 77, keyed the car of a 65-year-old man who allegedly stole her parking spot at Wal-Mart.
hen she tried to run him over. He managed to hold on to the windshield wipers. So she gunned it.
Back and forth. Swerving. Lurching. Careening. All over the place . He held on.
She said she did it in self-defense.
Run Over On I-275, Big Gator Rams Car. (The 12-foot reptile bolts “like a battering ram”, before a third, fatal collision.)
Drive-By Shooting Backfires. (Turns out folks on the porch were heavily armed themselves.)
Husband: She Must Have Snapped.
Hand Gator Took Can’t Be Re-Attached. (The injured boat captain also may face criminal charges over feeding the reptile. WTF?)
Marathons Rarely Fatal. (They just feel that way sometimes.)
Man Avoids A Bestiality Charge. (He worked at the Humane Society. He had six photos – on his cellphone – of himself performing sex acts on his girlfriend’s three-legged dog. Girlfriend also works at Humane Society. There is a beastiality law in Florida, but a savvy attorney found a loophole in the law…it doesn’t forbid oral sex with a animal.)
Miami Zombie Site Now A Tourist Attraction.