Live from the Road! January 6th, 2014

So stoned. So stoned.


My wife came into the bathroom this morning while I was urinating and popping…a 5-Hour Energy.

Ha, got you.

She asked me if I was smoking. In the old days I used to do that in hotel rooms. She thought I’d been there a little too long.

She was joking, but a part of her probably actually wondered.

A part of me took great joy in saying “nope, just killing my liver a new way.”

My friend Ron Morandini over the phone told me the 5-Hour Energies were terrible for you. “NO SHIT?!?” I yelled sarcastically, “and I heard drinking till 6:00 AM was good for you too.” And it helps bone density.

They’re illegal in Costa Rica. They’re my treat for the road. I love caffeine, vitamins, running, and writing. Guess I’m almost Chris Traeger. I like being wound up.

Yesterday was a fantastic day. I woke up early and read the Bible, then this novel by Kazuo Shiguro, then for fun I read The Qur’an for a bit. I just like to highlight passages. I feel like I understand the Middle East a lot more now, and I’m only a fifth of the way through it.

Look at what a hipster I am. CHECK OUT THESE BOOKS I READ.


My wife woke up and looked at her cell phone, which has Costa Rica time still on it. She did the math to get Bahamas time. “The free breakfast closes in 15 minutes!” She yells. In Costa Rica missing out on free food is a cardinal offense.

We rush down there and eat. I get a couple eggs, an apple, and one sausage link with water. I’m trying hard to cut down on my coffee consumption and white starches. I’m trying to start each day with some protein. I’m trying not to drink calories. It doesn’t really make me lose weight; I’m always a little flabby. It just makes me feel better closer to game time.

The whole time we’re in the breakfast area we’re wondering why the hell they’re still serving people after closing time.

Going upstairs I discover the problem: My wife’s cell phone clock changed automatically to Bahamas time. With an hour that appeared out of thin air she flops back into bed and I pen a blog.

When she wakes up we check out of the Comfort Inn Suites so we can go claim the hotel I won with my Stars package. We’re earlier than everyone else. It’s 11:00 AM. Check-in is at 3:00 PM.

I consider slipping a twenty to the guy checking us in, but I forget to, like a dumb ass. He tells us our room will be available in four hours.

My wife then asks the guy about his name. She loves the names of everyone around here. I have to give them points for creativity. We BS a little more.

We start walking away and he calls out, “hey something opened up!”

We got a Harbor View Suite. It’s incredibly cool. You can see all of Nassau and all the boats. The sunset last night was unreal over it.


The guy at the check-in may or may not have receive a nice tip for his services.

Note: Whenever someone says, “may or may not” it means they did.

My lady and I walked to Nassau after unpacking our bags. We went to this Greek restaurant above a jewelry store. Incredible lamb gyros, so good I had to get two separate plates of them, with some natural iced tea.

We walk home. Bluff magazine wrote me saying they’ll film the battle between myself an The Saurus. This is my first battle. The Saurus was ranked as one of the five best battlers of 2013. Seems like a good place to start.

I put on Twitter I ate two gyro platters today to get inside The Saurus’s mind. For those of you who don’t know, he is portly and Greek. If this is going to be my best line I’m dead.

My wife and I when we got home changed and went to the Lazy River, which wasn’t that lazy. With fewer people the rapids were much stronger, the waves nearly flipping us over. It was a blast.

We hung out in the hot tub afterward, went to registered and pick up my player’s bag, grabbed some Quizno’s (Caesar Salad for me), and watched Law And Order…because like my stepfather I’m an old man at heart and like my gritty crime shows and passing out watching them.

Quizno’s was interesting. Some Hispanic lady came in and was treating everyone like crap, yelling about everything. Some kid got yelled at, and he made the wrong sandwich first. Someone left their cell phone and the manager had to run after them. It was messed up, and everyone was pissed.

There was a guy there getting mad at a lady. He was the one whose sandwich had not been made. They handed him one mayonnaise packet. He asked if he could get more, but he was pointing at an empty condiment rack. The woman said they were out. He said, “no one gets anymore mayonnaise the whole night?!” Come on buddy, at a sandwich shop?

I figured out the miscommunication and explained to them. The guy got more mayonnaise.

I used to let little things bug me, but now I realize we’re always training for the bigger battle. If you can’t keep your cool waiting thirty minutes for a sandwich how are you going to do it at the poker table?

I fell asleep at 10:00 exhausted and woke up at 6:00. The sun just came up over Nassau. Time to get off this balcony, go for a run, swim in the ocean, and play a $10,000 buy-in tournament.

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